Till 'afterward'

A beautiful poem by Anon...

It may not be for me to see
The meaning and the mystery
of all that God has planned for me
Till 'afterward'.

I read this poem sometime last year when I was struggling for answers I was unable to find. It seems the same struggle, the quest to find the answers, which may never happen.

An overwhelming feeling is clouding me again tempting me to ask the same old question 'WHY' and then I skimmed through my emails to find these four lines to give some peace to my mind and heart. I assume myself to be a traveler, persistently traveling far of lands on a vast ocean of life. All alone, on my way I sometimes find others on the journey and then one day I find a green pasture, a land I thought I could firm my feet. But little did I know I will be sent back on to this journey yet again. What is this quest? Where is destiny taking me? What's my future plan?

I have heard people saying, you are the master of your destiny. I think that's a fatally wrong statement. I am only an executor of the destiny plan. I do as my destiny directs my paths with little control on changing lanes I am pretty much on an auto pilot with an occasional liberty to turn the knobs on the dashboard.

While I don't mean this is demotivating to not be in control of what I want to do in life, it's a thing to wonder that there is a power who is in control of me. Which also means I am never alone. Someone somewhere is guiding my paths....and maybe I cannot understand it now I will definitely know the reasons sometime in future as to why my route map was slightly crooked or the reason why I had misleading information on the journey or why I was not good enough for people and at too many occasions gave up very easily.

Or maybe I will never know the answers. Still it's not for me to see.

kuch yunhi....

Dil ki gehraiyon mein khud yun gumshuda huay hain ki
Aainay mein ye chera juda juda sa hai.


Kuch iraaday lafzon ki mashaqqat ke muhtaaj nai hua kartay
Aur muqqamal honay par hi insaan aaftaab nai hua kartay.


Kya ye mumkin hai ki tere darr pe saaya mil jaay
Hum iss ummeed mein ghar aapna jaala aay hain abhi.


Raaz ko aam nahi banana chahtay hai magar
Kabhi kuch keh dein to chupkay se tum chuppa aana unhe.


Bas pyaar se hi saansay chalti rehti hain e-dost
Warna ummeed zindagi se kuch khaas nai rakh sakta koi.

Spiritual Blackout

It's amazing how sometimes in the middle of a big crisis I face spiritual blackouts. It's like standing in a dark tunnel and asking myself, how am I so sure this tunnel ends and there is light on the other side. It's totally insane when you think of it. Every obstacle you are facing seem to either appear like a mountain sometimes or in contrast seem like a glass panel. While sometimes you feel there is no point stepping one more foot ahead because there is nothing beyond this point and other times you are full of inspiration and faith to move in a certain direction.

"We live by faith and not by sight". I cannot think about a single step I have taken in life which is not a reason of my faith. Stepping out of the house and it's only faith that assures me I will get an auto to reach office. On reaching office it's only faith that assures me that it's the same company's office where I am employed and there hasn't been an overnight closure of business. I mean thinking of life, what is that one thing where we do not use faith to move another step in the future...."faith not sight"...I still can't see what the next moment will be, nor do I know what will be the next sentence I will be typing in this blog post.

I witnessed a miracle or almost close to what we can term as a 'miracle' in the last week. What happened with me only happens in movies where an over ambitious script allows every impossible possible. And yet my faith flutters in front of everyday decisions.

What makes my faith flutter? Why do I face these momentary blackouts in my faith? In all my understanding, it's when I want to take complete control on the consequences of my next step, like writing an ambitious script where each act is written with the end in mind. I want it to work backwards in life too. I have decided what I want as a conclusion and therefore I want to ensure every step I take leads me to MY conclusion. If I notice my everyday activities I don't have any control on the outcome of any step I take... even to save my own life. I eat in faith that what I eat will not flare up my ulceritive colitis.

For me spiritual blackouts happen when I have two drivers driving my vehicle of life. I pray, 'God I give you full control' and there I am with the map in hand on the navigator's seat giving instructions about the shortest route to MY final destination. Like Philip Yancey says, "the opposite of faith is not doubt it is fear". Fear that my driver will take me to a wrong destination or will take a longer route or even a detour. What the heck, if I have to do all of it then the driver needs to be given a pink slip, I need to be behind the wheels instead...yet I pray, 'God I give you full control'.

This blog post is really me thinking aloud sounding off the little revelations I get about life, God, me and the divine association between us. Faith is faith and faith is reason gone courageous(as said by Philip Yancey). If I reason I will face a blackout and my reason will freeze me and tell me..'no point its over'....where as faith will tell me to be sure of things I have not yet seen or perceived.

I must look back and look at all the situations where reason cornered me and told me, 'no point it's over' but I still stepped out in faith and how each of those steps in faith led me to a destination which I could never perceive. Then I look at all the decisions where things were under MY complete control, yet it all fell apart and I said to myself, hey! it was perfect as per the plan, this can't go wrong! This recharge of faith is necessary to manage the momentary blackouts or else I will be like that climber who died hanging two feet above the ground because he could not gather enough faith to cut the rope in the night.


Until next time.... to deal with blackouts, keep charging your faith lamp.

I am Building a Cathedral

Its freezing cold here in the capital and with two socks on my feet and all the fat that I have accumulated around me in all these blessed and prosperous years is proving of no use. I wish this layer of protection protected me from something at least.... ;)

So this pun was intended on me, for a rather gloomy non productive and extremely cold day. Wanted to feel a bit better about not doing anything but being able to post an entry at least....first one in this happy new year!!...

I took a big decision, had been contemplating it for two years but I thought it was the right time or maybe I got the right feeling about it now. I met someone successful this new year, someone who had toiled hard made things happen for himself, remained focused and honest to earn a comfortable status in life.... trust me I wouldnt even flock around The Leela Kempinski for one evening knowing I cant afford that place but he made it comfortable for himself for two days without dismay. Thats besides the point im trying to make. Like they say each person who comes in your life teaches you something, something that can make you a better person, something that can reveal a new person inside you or enlighten you towards life.... like a piece in a puzzle.... this meeting did that.

The most amazing part was that all these achievements in my protagonist's life did not bring in as much accomplishment as I had imagined it would bring to someone. I was amazed... to the fact that all these years I could not understand this one small thing which this two day meeting taught me....accomplishment is'nt always what the facade is.... its about what doesnt show most often. Like a friend says who's father teaches maths to students.... that my father goes to sleep smilling after he finishes with his tutions each evening. Like my mother who prouds herself with her students who formed the early days of their lives under the careful guidance of her primary school, which becomes their alma matar for life. Like those, many trainees who call me even now to thank me for the help I had provided them in times of distress and confusion... people whos names or faces I don't recognise. And many others who may mention me in their conversations with friends or family... again people I sometimes think, I may have met at the airport during transit for the numerous training sessions. Is'nt accomplishment different from what it actually looks like.....

Like I was reminded of this.... "a man travels the whole world in search of what he needs... and returns home to find it"... thats my true story! and to my story's protagonist...thanks for the last kick I needed to put myself on the right track... u did kick my bum after all!!!!!....

Everyday in the morning when I wake up, my sun shone balcony welcomes another warm day, on breezy winter mornings. Overlooking my balcony is a slum of some construction workers and unlike my early mornings, theirs is slightly busy and chirpy. Children running around and the older ones already working on the 'cathedral they are building'. Its just a plush house though.

Every morning I see the kids inventing a new game with all the garbage thrown away by the residents nearby... humble yet interesting. And today I think, life can be full of life with humility, yet the likes of me keep screwing it up with our more complex thoughts and perspectives. I realised that the past few days were turmoiled because I intended them to be that way. My complex ways to make life less complicated fell flat on its face making it even worse. Thats what we all do most often when things are as simple as they can get and then we overwork the 1 gallon mass we are so proud of.

And then I witness the queer games these children play which are so creative and definately a fine use of their brains, but they are more humbler than my thoughts and perspective towards life. Their inventions are much simpler than my quests and their dimensions more fulfilling than my desires to satisfy myself. How often we hurt others thinking its to save us the pain, but doesnt turn out to be that. We are pretty much hurt and sore. Looking at these kids this morning i realised most questions have simple and humble answers but as humans, quite like our nature we end up being more complex and it never ends.

Will i have the answers to all my questions... i dont know. But I have learnt to humble myself and wish for simpler things in life and enjoy every moment it has to offer me.

objet d'art!!

I tried to take a clear picture of this bumper sticker on a local bus in Calcutta. We are at a traffic signal and im glad I could take this amazing shot...a picture says a thousand words..indeed!!!!!

Dont miss the flowers showered on the DANGER below.... super cool!!!

BOOMERANG!!

The title means the same as the ending note of my previous post. Its a coincidence....I was thinking what to call this post which will make sense instantly. Anyways, hope it does at the end.

Last week I was busy writing my first semister exams for masters in Human Rights. Darn! it can still remind you of school exams which used to be judgement day (and it came about every year) and trust me i felt exactly the same... no sleep and no memory...nothing. I forgot everything I had read the previous night and only hoped, the recall mechanism of my brain functions at its optimum when i get the question paper. Ha! was tough... I have realised I must not trust my memory and its capacity, however I performed beyond expectations after 10 years of even witnessing an examination hall, in whole or in part.

So here's a pat on my back!! Besides, I thought my exams had some timing because there's human rights violations all around the world. Swat valley crisis, Australia, few months back maharastra. And we thought Aparthied was abolished....now it comes in different names and denominations. So i did not have any problems highlighting the human right issues in current scenario... I had enough and more to write.

But when I was reflecting on these situations, it made me wonder what great motivation these promotors of racist activities have. I wonder what inspires them? Money off course! but I am sure there's more to it than just money or else most of us would be doing this. While I was thinking about this, pavlov's famous classical conditioning enlightened me and reminded of this little boy I met a few months back.

I met this young boy of 12 years at a wedding, he was with his parents. What surprised me about him was his maturity which was way too much for his age. He wore clothes resembling his father's, he participated in mature conversations and ensured he escorted his mother if she was alone. I was astonished! he was only about 12 years of age. How did he know all these things; to act and behave in a certain way. On the last day when this family was ready to go back home, they boarded a car to take them to the railway station and I was also accompanying them. While on our way, this little boy was making a conversation with the car driver as he was sitting on the navigator's seat, and he very confidently asked him, 'uncle aap jain caste ke hain kya?'

I don't remember me jumping off my seat at that time, but i kept thinking about it all the time. How was this little boy's mind conditioned which removed any hesitations to ask a stranger what was his 'caste'. For heaven's sake what did he know about caste and everything!! It makes so much sense now why these 'other' people are being so unkind to indians or asians, torturing women because they are educated and thus commiting a sin and throwing these 'other' people from their state because they don't belong here. The distinction or 'otherness' is instilled so early in life that its fairly ok to distinguish ourselves from others. I am a christian who are you?!!

So here is the output... or as I say the 'boomerang' effect. I don't realise what ideology I am living with but when it comes to 'other' people i demand tolerance. Where will it come from when I am not giving it out? What goes, comes back. Ever heard the phrase ' life runs in full circles'. Its almost time we realise how we are dealing with these everyday issues in our lives because thats the way we will be treated by the universe... if not today than tomorrow.

Therefore, Do what you want others to do unto you!